He Loved Me Enough To Let Me Go

Our world was picture perfect. New house, 2 dogs, great careers and a community backing us that we both loved. The best of friends who spent breakfast, lunch and dinner together. Most days we even stopped into one another’s office for a quick chat. Our offices were only separated by a parking lot and I always knew it was him coming because I had memorized the sound of his footsteps approaching my office. Two people in love with everything in the world to be thankful for. Until I approached him one day with a wrecking ball, that would completely shatter our perfect world.

You see I have a fire inside of me that is constantly blazing for more. Many of you probably know exactly what I am talking about. It can keep you up at night dreaming of the what ifs and the endless possibilities. Some have even asked if I think I will ever be satisfied? I cant help but to hope not. I like the challenge of more. More opportunities, more directions, more people to meet, more places to visit, more accomplishments and simply just more out of life. What’s wrong with that? Of course, if managed in a healthy way. But no one knows the fire that burns inside of me and its importance like my husband does. He is very good at not asking questions and getting out of my way when I am on a mission. He knows this fire is a strong force that can not easily be contained. I am a dreamer and achiever with high expectations of myself. The three of those can be quite the deadly combination if not well managed. I am still in the learning stages of that part. Nevertheless, that fire is where I get my drive which can be good and bad. That fire is what caused the wrecking ball that completely turn our lives up side down. It separated our home, allowed for a lot less time together and caused more stress on our already busy lives, while also affording me the opportunity to fuel my fire. Funny how that works.

I was scared, excited, nervous, curious, shocked and elated all at the same time, as I drove back to the place where I not only left my husband behind, but left him behind to care for my dad who had been given only hours before he would enter the pearly gates. I walked into the hospice room where Chris waited patiently at dad’s bedside, exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster we had been on for many months at this point. How had we gotten here? How had we survived it up until this point? How would we survive what was to come next? Yet, Chris like always greeted me with the most genuine, loving and trusting smile that assured me everything was going to be alright.

I was in the the room for only seconds before I broke the news. The news that was eating me up inside. The news that would change our lives forever, not that we needed anymore change at the moment. I said to him, “I got the job and I have to find a place to stay within 90 days”. He could have panicked, he could have replied with this isn’t the best time for you to be making such big life changing decisions or even I am not sure this is what’s best for us. He could have done or said anything but he chose, “I am so proud of you. Let me call around and see what I can find for you to rent.”

I had always known the best decision I had ever made was marrying my best friend and that Chris was one of the very few people who truly understood me. But it was then and there in that moment that I realized sometimes you can love someone so much that your willing to let them go because you cant stand the thought of holding them back from something great..

We were sitting in an old farmhouse eating beanie weenies for dinner, because they were good and because it was what we could afford at the time, when Chris told me he wanted to run for Sheriff. We were sitting in a hospice room with broken hearts preparing to say goodbye to a man who we both loved dearly and who had touched our lives in so many ways, when I decided it was my turn to jump into the fire and make a major career change. With both major decisions, there wasn’t a single hesitation from either of us, except to grab a pen and begin making a plan.

Chris and I knew for a while I needed something different. It was a terrible time to make such a big change but we both agreed it was the perfect timing for me as my life was never going to be the same either way. So what did I have to lose? A new place to call home, a new office, new friends and new challenges. For many this path would not have worked and it certainly has not been easy but it was what I had to do. I had to find a way to refill my cup so that I would have something to pour out again. That meant making a major life change during the worst season of my life. It meant creating a storm not knowing if I would survive it. It meant enduring long, hard and sad days. It meant spending less time with my best friend during the time I needed him most. I can’t thank God enough for giving me such a wonderful husband who supports my journey and is always along for the ride no matter how far out my dreams may be. I truly believe the distance gives us a reason to love even harder.

The decision to live apart was never a matter of if, only a matter of when. We knew the day would come that we would separate but only with mileage not our hearts. I knew Chris loved his community, his home, his people, his friends and his family too much to move his roots. I would have never asked him to leave all that behind for me just like he didn’t ask me to leave my dreams behind to stay. That is what makes us, US. It was never an option for him to go, just like there was never the option for me to stay. The only option was simply, how we were going to make it work. I would like to think that is the best part of us. Our will to simply make it work no matter the obstacles, pressures of society or what is to be perceived as normal. We are not normal we are just us. It’s really not for anyone else to understand except us and that’s my favorite part.

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist. – Oscar Wilde

Today we have been married 8 years and what a wonderful roller coaster it has been. 6 houses, 3 dogs, so many wins and even a few loses. It hasn’t been easy but certainly rewarding. I could not be more proud of this crazy chaotic life we have built together.

We both have dreams that most probably could never fathom. We have a friendship that is second to none. Most of all we have a love that runs so deep there isn’t possibly a distance that could keep us apart. I consider myself one of the lucky ones as I have a partner that encourages me to grow, who doesn’t cling to me, who let me go out into the world and trusted that I would always come back.

I rarely write on my blog about my husband as he is extremely special to me and our relationship is on of my most prized possessions. But I can honestly say, I have the most caring, hardworking and hilarious husband. He keeps me on my toes and constantly makes me laugh. He is a great dog dad who loves nothing more than to embarrass me in public. He is a great leader in our community who always tries his best to lead by example. He is dedicated to the people of Pamlico County and looks for every opportunity he can to help someone in need. He does so many great deeds behind closed doors and at only 34 years old he has made some great sacrifices for the greater good. I am thankful to call him mine and grateful that he always lets me eat his fries even when I insist I don’t want any and even more grateful that he always orders dessert because he knows I secretly want it even when I won’t admit it. He supports me and all of my wild dreams. Our journey has only begun as we both have a lot of fire left to burn.

8 years down and a lifetime to go. More laughter, more tears, more tough times together and more good times. May we both always be willing to weather the storm together just to enjoy the sunshine. Happy Anniversary Christopher and to many more years together! Love Sa Sa

Hold your loved ones tight, tell them you love them, forgive them, make time for them and make space. Life is short and everyone deserves to live happy. Yes! Even you. Focus on your blessings rather than everyone else’s. Allow your inner fire to burn. Spread your wings. Who knows you just might fly. Do It For You!