“Why” ME?

You know that feeling you have when you’re experiencing a change in your life? That feeling of disconnection from the world or maybe like you can’t find your current place of belonging. This feeling puts your brain into constant search mode for an answer to the madness.  Your body may be present but your mind is somewhere totally different. This feeling sometimes leaves you feeling lost, unfulfilled and confused. Well, I have this feeling from time to time too, usually right before a major change in my life occurs.

I often experience this feeling when I know it’s time to make a change but not quite sure how. Other times I have this feeling when I know it is time for me to move on but not sure to what or where. Recently, I had this feeling when life was teaching me one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn.

---

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about”

– Haruki Murakami

---

You see the hardest thing I have ever experienced was losing my dad then trying to figure out how to do life without him. I had to find my place in life again, a life that didn’t include him. This whole experience left me completely lost and confused. I searched for months trying to find my “why”.  “Why” did he have to go so soon when I still needed him? Who am I without him? What am I supposed to do with me now? Where do I even start? How will I ever find the strength to put one foot in front of the other again?

This experience was an exhausting battle because he was everywhere I looked, in every emotion my heart felt and everything left behind reminded me of life with him. I was confused, lonely, sad and disconnected from the world and I didn’t know this new world without him. So again “why” did he have to go? There had to be a reason that I couldn’t see or even begin to understand? I went through these questions daily for months searching for my “why” until suddenly and completely unexpected, it hit me out of nowhere. I found the answer to my “why” and it was crystal clear. But this answer did not come easy, instead the answer came with a lot of emotion. But the answer lifted pounds of weight off my shoulders and this answer was a rude awakening that I needed. I got the answer to my “why” and a challenge to make some major lifestyle changes.

            Out of nowhere I realized I may have lost my dad’s earthly presence but I haven’t for one minute lost him. He IS everywhere I look and a part of ALL the things that make me who I am. He instilled pieces of himself throughout every part of me and left behind memories and lessons to assist me through the remaining chapters of my life. It took losing him to find me!

 It took losing him to see new opportunities waiting right in front of me! It took losing him to open my eyes because my vision had been blurred for so long! It took losing him to fully learn the life lessons he had taught me and would set me free! It took losing him, my most prized possession, my best friend, my rock, my dad, to see I have been doing life all wrong, focusing on the wrong things, using my talents in all the wrong ways and wasting my energy in the wrong places. It took losing him to see all the things he was good at and the lessons he had taught me over the years, were the things I was missing most in my life.

My dad passed away at 68 years old, never owning a piece of real estate in his life. I can only remember two brand new trucks he ever bought, the rest used. He rented a small cinder block house in the country and refused any upgrades when his landlord offered. My dad didn’t need material things to be happy, he just needed his family. He didn’t need to be in the spotlight or center of attention, he simply liked flying under the radar. He didn’t need his name on a billboard to prove he supported charities, he simply wrote the checks every month and never said a word to anyone. He was a silent saint always doing the right things in an unnoticeable way, simply because there were the right things to do, not for any recognition or celebration.

My dad chose to spend his time and money on things that meant the most to him. He didn’t have a fancy house or drive a fancy truck but he always had money to take his family out to dinner and pick up the check. Dad didn’t spoil my brother and I with excessive gift giving or material things, he spoiled us with his time and love. He always had money to gas up the boat and time for a day out on the Neuse River. He had money to take my brother and I all over playing sports when we were growing up. I can’t remember a game or event my dad was not present for. He had money to take us on trips and show us new places. Even as adults he was present for everything we were a part of. He didn’t use his resources for material things he used his resources to experience life with his family and friends.

---

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched- they must be felt with the heart.”

– Helen Keller

---

And that my friends is the answer to my “why” that I searched months for!

God blessed me with a lot of energy, a good work ethic and many more talents but I have been wasting them on chasing material things that do not matter. It took experiencing the greatest loss of my life to see I am wasting my talents on meaningless things, when I should be using them to create experiences with those I love. I don’t miss my dad’s belongings or other material items, I miss having experiences with him. I miss his presence and the way he spoiled me by being present in my life. I don’t need a new car, new house or new clothes to make me happy or to enjoy life. Instead, I need to use my resources and talents to create new experiences and find ways to be more present for my friends and family. More date nights with Chris, more trips with friends, more social gatherings in my kitchen and more front porch chats.

It took losing him to see the greatest qualities he had were the ones I was missing most. It took losing him to see what I truly loved most about him and what truly matters in life. It took losing him to find me.

If you are going through one of these times where you feel disconnected, lonely, confused or lost, continue looking for your “why” because with an open mind and open heart you will find your answer. Do not rush this frustrating journey or expect to be the same person on the other side. Embrace what life is throwing at you and accept the lesson life is trying to teach you. Do It For You!