My Darkest Secret!

In the past I’ve shared about the journey my husband and I took to achieve his dream of becoming sheriff and a few of the struggles we faced along the way. Now I am going to share my darkest secret about this journey…..I became JEALOUS of my husband! Whoa! I have never openly admitted this and certainly never written it down.

          You may be thinking why in the world would I be jealous of my husband? Well I wasn’t necessarily jealous of him as much as I was jealous that he had a career he loved, and I didn’t. Chris looked forward to going to work every day. I was jealous that I did not share that same enthusiasm about my job.

          During this time, I didn’t hate my job, but I didn’t love it either and certainly did not look forward to Monday mornings. I was simply going through the motions and honestly that is how I thought everyone felt about their job. Even worse than being jealous, I felt I deserved the better job because I have a four-year degree and he doesn’t! …..WRONG!….. The truth is I had a job and he found his career and for those who do not know, there is a huge difference in the two.

          In addition to being jealous of Chris having a career when I didn’t, I was also jealous because of all the attention he was receiving. Chris was a rock star after he was elected. Everyone loved him and sang his praises. He was on T.V, in the newspaper and the hot topic of conversation all over our community. Everywhere we went people stopped him to thank him and tell him what a good job he was doing. I could not even get groceries without someone stopping to tell me how proud of my husband they were.

          To be completely honest, I thought Chris was doing an excellent job being sheriff but most days I didn’t think he was all that awesome because I felt like all he had to worry about was his career and I had to worry about my job and keeping our home afloat. Chris’s line of work often requires him to be away from home which left me to keep things running. I cleaned the house, did the laundry, picked up the groceries, cooked dinner, took care of our dogs and all in addition to my full-time job. Some days when people would stop to tell me what a great job Chris was doing, I wanted to scream, “Well let me just tell you all the things he isn’t doing!” YES! I was JEALOUS because I felt like I was the one working my butt off and he was the one getting all the praise!!

          I started to get down on myself and at times even found myself resenting my husband. WHOA! But then one day I decided I should tell him how I was feeling. It was not fair to be angry and not at least tell him why.

Chris’s response was, “Sarah, if you are not happy only you can change that, not me. I will support you in anything you decide to do. Maybe you should start looking for another job.” And I replied, “But Chris I have only ever worked in banking it’s not that easy!” Then Chris simply said, “Just apply for things you like, don’t worry about if you are qualified. You can do anything you put your mind to.”

Yall! There I was being jealous of my husband to the point of resentment and he simply responds with, if you are not happy, change it because you can do anything you put your mind to. WOW, he believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself and even after I admitted to him I was starting to resent him. I am not going to lie that did make me feel a little guilty. But don’t tell him I admitted that!

          I started looking for a new job that day, one I could picture myself making a career out of. Today, I am the Tax Administrator for Pamlico County and my office is literally right next door to my husband’s. I decided I wanted to be in a leadership role, work in my community and I had an interest in local government therefore the Tax Administrator role was appealing to me.  This change did not happen overnight, it took months, but I can honestly say I love my job and the career path I have chosen. Not only do I love working within local government, but I have also decided to pursue my master’s degree in Public Administration in hopes of furthering my career in local government someday.

          The point is, if you are unhappy, only YOU can change that. You can find 100 reasons to blame others for your unhappiness like I did, but at the end of the day you are 100% in control of your own happiness. Not your spouse, not your children, not your best friend………YOU! I was jealous of my husband’s career and success but instead of taking it out on him I needed to find my own career and create my own success. Chris encouraged me to make some changes in hopes of helping me find my happiness, but I was the one who had to make the change for myself. I had to search the internet for jobs I thought were appealing and suitable for my future. I had to juice up my resume’ and I had to prepare for an awesome interview to convince the hiring board I was the best candidate for the position. Chris could not do those things for me, all he could do was be supportive of me, which he was. Stop with the excuses and stop blaming other people for your unhappiness. Make the necessary changes you need to make in your life to make yourself happy. DO IT FOR YOU!